i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
