So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
