I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize