Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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