You made me cry and you don't even care
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
