You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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