I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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