Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
