So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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