apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
