Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize