Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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