I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
