Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
