We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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