Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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