mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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