I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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