My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize