I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
