i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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