I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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