Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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