just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
