Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
