get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
