I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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