she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
