are you so shy because you have an std?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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