Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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