I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
