I CAN MOONWALK!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
