I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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