I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
