I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
