True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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