is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
