yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
