Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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