I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
