ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
