can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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