we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize