I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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