Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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