R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
