i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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