so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize