I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
