hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
