Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
