if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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