it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
