I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
