Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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